Knowingly failing a class is not enjoyable. It is a hardship. Especially when its in one of my favorite subjects. Math. But what is to come of it?

I can give you all the reasons why. My other classes have homework lined up so nicely that I’m busy every night of the week, and so I’m stuck doing calc III on Wednesday night the day before the homework is due. I’m so involved that Wednesday night I have a minimum of two meetings, sometimes three. And I have a 3 hours between class and dinner, which is spent doing other homework due on Thursday and other tasks.

So getting homework started at 9 or 10 at night isn’t a good start. I do not understand the material so I have to teach myself, so I have to spend several hours pouring over text which doesn’t make sense to me because I did not do well on the previous chapter.

My professor is Russian, so the first 5 sentences of every lecture are coated in a heavy accent which not many people can understand. I have had a smaller class setting for the first two calcs so have this lecture is very different for me and I have a hard time following along and actually learning.

The TA is Chinese and English is his second language. He is very knowledgeable, but again, its on a subject that I don’t know what’s going on, so the teaching is in vain for me. And there are times that his sentences don’t make sense because of the accent.

For me, these are all reasons. Growing up, I was often told that my reasons were really just excuses. … What’s the difference? Does it matter?

Regardless if they are reasons or excuses, the truth doesn’t change. I have to take the class again. Life moves on. Is there any lesson to be learned? I can’t say that I need to try harder, as I’m working the hardest I can in all my subjects. I can’t say I need to make more time, because my average sleep right now is 4 to 5 hours. (Which is an interesting side note: I’m struggling in some of my classes, so I stay up trying to work harder, but then I’m not as awake for classes. Evil cycle.) Time does not exist.

So the lessons. That I need to know my own learning system. If something doesn’t work, change it. I should have found a different class at the beginning of the year, regardless of what my schedule might have looked like. Good grades is worth a bad schedule.

Life does go on. I’m not going to fail at life because I got one F in it.

It does go on.